Facing Fears, Holiday Reflections, and Finding Strength in Family

Good Tuesday morning! I’m saying this because, if you’ve been following me, you’ll know I missed both last weekend’s post and the one from the weekend before. Here I am now, catching up. I’ve barely started, and already, it feels like I can’t keep things on track.

Last time I wrote, I shared about what most people might consider a minor, slightly embarrassing appointment. For me, though, it was devastating. I know that sounds extreme, but living in a constant state of panic, that appointment affected me much more than I anticipated. Last week, I was supposed to have a Nuclear Heart Test on Monday and an EKG on Wednesday. But as the week approached, my anxiety escalated, and by Sunday, the thought of returning to the hospital for an even longer process than before set off every alarm in my body.

From Saturday night onward, I was in a nonstop panic attack. My amazing wife noticed this Sunday morning and tried her best to help calm me down. She did everything she usually does to support me, but even her best efforts couldn’t reach me this time. I decided to take a pill Sunday morning, hoping it would relax me and let me sleep for a few hours, but even that didn’t work. That’s when I finally gave in to my fears and phobias. I broke a personal rule that I’ve tried so hard to uphold—to make and keep my health-related appointments. While I’ve been successful in the past, this time, I wasn’t. I called the hospital and canceled both appointments.

We rescheduled them for after the holidays, thinking the extra stress of this season might be what’s pushing things beyond manageable. You see, this year has been financially difficult for me. For the first time, I can’t afford to buy presents, and it’s left me deeply saddened. This past year was supposed to turn out differently. I’d invested in our little company, but we’ve seen no return. I’ve put us in a financial mess because I dreamed too big and spent too much. There’s no one to blame but myself. And now, with my disability insurance ending in a few years, I realize I have no real plan for retirement.

My wife is incredibly talented artistically, but I fear I’ve overwhelmed her. I’ve surrounded her with tools and materials, and I know it’s added pressure. She probably feels like she has to live up to my unrealistic expectations. So, here we are—another year, another colossal mistake on my part.

Back to the present… I’m sorry for missing my weekly posts, but I’ll continue them because writing is therapeutic for me. Now, I’m focusing on the positives, like family, and navigating the negatives, like the tight budget, during the holiday season. I miss my family deeply. I haven’t seen my two older sons and their partners, or my daughter, in months. I was really hoping to see everyone this season, but I understand—people make plans, and sometimes, we’re not a part of them.

Anyway, thank you for reading. Please leave any feedback—it means a lot to me.

Jack