Hi folks,
This past week has been one of the toughest I’ve faced in many years. As some of you know from my previous posts, I had a couple of big appointments this week that really tested my limits. Living with severe anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia makes any trip out of the house a monumental challenge, and this week was no exception.
Monday: The Heart Specialist
On Monday, I had a two-hour drive to see a heart doctor to review the results of a stress test I took a few weeks ago. The appointment itself lasted only about 20 minutes, but the news was less than ideal—I didn’t pass the test. Now, I’m scheduled for another EKG on the 28th at a location closer to home, and there’s talk of a nuclear test that will require yet another hospital visit. Just thinking about these upcoming appointments has my anxiety spiking.
Wednesday: The Colonoscopy
The colonoscopy on Wednesday was, by far, the hardest hurdle. The preparation started Monday afternoon, and by evening, I was already feeling unwell. Tuesday was even worse with an increased dose of medication and added prep. It kept me up all night, and by the time 7 a.m. rolled around, I was running on empty.
The hour-and-ten-minute drive to the hospital was an exercise in pure panic, but thanks to my son’s efficiency and support, we made it. During the three hours at the hospital, I endured what I call an “inside panic attack.” For those unfamiliar, it’s when my panic is at its peak, but I manage to contain it enough to avoid drawing too much attention. It’s an exhausting skill I’ve developed over 24 years of dealing with this condition, but it takes a toll.
The procedure revealed two polyps, which the surgeon successfully removed. They’ve been sent to the lab for testing, and while the doctor reassured me not to worry, you know how my mind works—there’s always that lingering fear. I have to follow up in eight weeks, adding yet another layer of anxiety to the pile.
Reflecting on the Week
This week has been a true test of endurance. Between the emotional weight of these appointments, the physical toll of the procedures, and the mental battle of staying composed through it all, I’ve felt stretched beyond my limits. I even find myself missing the version of me before these struggles took over.
Thank you to everyone who’s been reading and supporting me through these updates. Your encouragement means more than I can say.
Take care,
Jack
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